its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
