you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
