Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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