Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
