someone get that fucking seahorse.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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