Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize