Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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