if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
are you so shy because you have an std?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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