i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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