my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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