just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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