??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
