What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
