I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
