I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
