WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
