Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
