You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize