I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
