and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
