i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
