i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
two words: eviction party
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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