So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
