New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
