I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
