Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
