Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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