i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
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At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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