Princesses don't give blow jobs
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I AM VODKA MAN
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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