Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
