im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We are two peas in an std pod
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
