The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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