Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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