does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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