i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
