Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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