I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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