the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
