Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
