I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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