she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm too high and old for this...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
