remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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