so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
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You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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