from now on my penis is your penis
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
