i'm signing you up for texting rehab
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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