i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
