I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
