Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
