wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
