im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
