Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize