I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
