theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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