you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
