Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
