Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
