Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
