I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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